Inspired by 's EXCELLENT ranking of every outfit Shelley Long wore in Troop Beverly Hills, I ranked every outfit everyone ELSE wears in the movie with the sprawling expanse of time I had over this long weekend…
30.) Velda Plendor’s Skunk Hat
You’re gonna pay for this, yes, you are…
29.) Dr. Joyce Brothers’ Khaki Fashion Show Apron
More like Dr. Joyce OH-BROTHERs.
28.) Velda Plendor’s Mormon Matron
What is a collar that size supposed to communicate?
27.) Hannah Nefler’s Laura Ashley Realdoll
This was literally the last day in recent history it was remotely acceptable for anyone to wear a hat that size as an earnest accessory.
26.) Annie Herman’s Civvies
I’ll bet she has a wild side.
25.) Claire Sprantz’s Intended Outfit from the Wilderness Craft Fair Presentation
Basic! Not to mention the presentation FLOPPED!
24.) Mrs. Dictator’s Obscenely Large Leg of Mutton Sleeves
A convenient diversion to the ‘how many shoes’ question, sure…
23.) Frankie & Annette’s Casual Activewear
They could and should have tried harder.
22.) Hungry Jazzerciser’s Graphic Leggings
THIS is how you do activewear in 1989 Beverly Hills.
21.) Tessa DiBlasio’s Annie Hall-goes-to-the-Mall
Annie Mall, more like…
20.) General Salute to Rosa
rio's Casual Wear
Ironically, these are the most timeless pieces in this movie.
19.) Henri doing Henri
He should have had a minute of screen time for every outfit Phyllis Nefler wore.
18.) Ed ‘Kooky’ Byrnes’ Man-About-Town
I have NO DOUBT he made quite an impression at the unemployment offices.
17.) Freddy Neffler’s SUPER-RELAXED-FIT Empire-Waist slacks
Craig T. Astley
16.) Bitsy Barnfell’s Ice Queen in Reagan-Era Navy
Sydney Biddle-Barrows REALNESS…
15.) Lily Marcigan’s Counter-Revolutionary Ray-Ban’s & Kimono
You can torture me, but I’ll never talk!
14.) Chica Barnfell’s Equestrian Chic
Dressaged to kill!
13.) Emily Honigman’s Acid-Wash Peplum Party Dress with Embellished Hearts and Scrunchie Parfait
12.) Jasmine Shakar’s “It’s Cookie Time” Wig (BONUS: Annie Herman on the synth!)
HOW IS IT that Jenny Lewis is the lone TBH Alum to go onto a recording career, yet this girl is lost in oblivion?
11.) Rosa’s Maraca Section Southwestern Smock
10.) Vicki Sprantz’s Business-Jungle Casual
Once upon a time, Stephanie Beacham was made, and the mold was broken.
9.) Lisa’s 10-Gallon Shoulder Pads
Makes the earrings look like studs!
7.) Vicki Sprantz’s Live-&-In-Person Coat of Many Animal Hides
I like to imagine that in whichever universe TBH was set in, Vicki Sprantz was a rival romance novelist to Mary Fisher from “She-Devil”. Timeline-wise, it would check out!
6.) Mrs. Shakar’s Nubian Empress
I also like to imagine that Mrs. Shakar and Aunt Viv would have been rivals in the bizzaro TBH-verse…
5.) Pia Zadora’s Khaki Mini-Frock
Sure it’s drab on a good day, but she’s got the best accessory known to man - being Pia Zadora.
4.) Lisa’s Electric Blue Leatherette Boner Crusher
Must have been a real hot listing…
3.) Divorce Court Fall Fashions
Bang = buck.
2.) Vicki Sprantz’s Second Skin
I choose to believe this was a catsuit.
1.) Annie Herman’s Emancipation Cocktail Tutu
ANNIE HERMAN BOI-OI-OING IS FUCKING RIGHT. Did it occur to NO ONE that Mary Gross’s body is on point with Brooke fucking Shields in her prime? Iconic Iconic Iconic Iconic ICONIC.
I hope that this was 1/10th as entertaining as Lindy West’s original post was. Beverly Hills, what a thrill!